Sunday, 6 September 2009

I am, and I'm sorry

I just can't sort myself to find my way out of a paper bag, actually a few would tell me to keep the paper bag over my head.
I have let a bunch of people down recently, I am sincerely sorry, but I do have a pathetic excuse.

I could call it creative procrastination, but I'm just wired this way, this is how my personality works.. which on occasion is there to sabotage my best intentions and the other 95% of my work .

How it works, or doesn't work:
For me, inspiration to create most things comes not at my own will but just at random times from an abstract thought-image or from an offhand request that sparks one of these. This ball of inspiration/energy just moves through me regardless of what else needs to be done. And I just act and do it like its my next breath.
If for example if I am painting or editing film most times it is not me actually doing it. I can at these times just sit back and watch the creative process unfold.. the unthinking mixing of colours and my brush hand polluting the canvas at just the right spot endlessly. Or the rhythmic cutting and applying of motion to music that tends to just gel at the end to some master plan that I could never have thought of. This happening when occurring is not actually me, but some other force which grabs the project with both hands and feet and runs [with] it. Sometimes only to a certain point. On occasion when I stop to have a breather or wake up the next day or week, the drive/inspiration is all gone and my relationship to the work is like a first grader looking at Einsteins blackboard. I have no idea what I'm doing and how to complete it. This is why I have so many unfinished canvasses and so many 'short films' still in the editing suite.

Thing is, I'm trying to make my way in some little corner labeled 'The creative works of Nic Reeves' - So many times I have just wanted to throw it all in and get a full time job because there is at times just too much anguish, Im too broke and I know I am doing it all wrong. I feel that I could or should be making some kind of headway, but alas it appears I am inadvertently a better self-sabotager than a productive self-marketer.

However, I do enjoy making this blog, it seems the only consistent thing in my life that I can continue to apply my creativity and passions to without fucking it up too much (until I made this post). I at least have some creative control with the photography, but not with stupid computers.

I am right now working to finish through sheer self will, the 2085ks to the beach DVD in my 2 weeks off my part time work while our premises are being remodeled.

For sure, put me in the loony bin, but this is who I am. I'm sorry to those who have prepaid for the DVD and are waiting... I will finish it.


Anonymous said...

Creativity is your thing Woman ,forget what you think people think and just Go for it!

Anonymous said...

Nic most of us are very happy you are who you are

Anonymous said...

Keep doing what your doing Nic!

Surfer Nancy on 10 September, 2009 23:35 said...

As a fellow artist who has experienced the same things you have, I must say that the true artist hangs in there, through the peaks and valleys, and doesn't try to force things. You will reflect in years to come, and see things you simply cannot at this moment. Really great work often comes from the very process we depise. Listen to your heart, and the rest will follow.

nic on 11 September, 2009 09:11 said...

thanks Nancy, yes, its been an ongoing for many years. One time I sold all my art gear apart from my favourite brushes.

Anonymous said...

The creative process you described is well documented- if your insights were achieved only through reflection, you're very sensitive, wise and correct.

It took me to the last sentence to realise why you felt you had a problem (aha, people waiting for a promised product). I am guessing you projected completion and made an offer as a way to motivate yourself? That can work (deadline motivation)... life can get in the way too.

Anyway, you're absolutely right about the wild, mysterious, seemingly external "possession" of inspired creativity, at least a lot of us feel so. I think the key to realising it is to leave the door open as much as possible, ie, sitting down and doing it, going through the motions, even if the spirit isn't there.

Easier said than done. FWIW, to me, you appear a very high achiever, and the paintings pictured above (my note is retro) are fantastic... underpriced??



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